CHAPTER 11: PADDY DECLARES WAR ON SADDAM HUSSEIN

Saddam Hussein was taking a nap

A knock on his door, tap tap tap!

In walked Kayoosh, phone in hand

“Excellency! your call from Ireland!”

As Kayoosh handed him the phone

A voice bellowed with a groan

“Saddam, I hereby declare war!

Teach you a lesson, maybe more! ”

The voice continued very loud and clear!

“I, Paddy Murphy, will soon strike fear!

To drive the Butcher of Bagdad from Erbil

Saddam, Oh, Saddam,  watch your rear!”

The Butcher of Baghdad didn’t even blink

Calmly he asked “How big is your team?”

Paddy slurred, as he tried hard to count

3, 4, no, flive of us,  inclush cuzzin Brown!”

“Stupid Irish drunk, you better sober up!

I have a million men, you be sitting ducks!”

Paddy sobered up but he wasn’t scared

“Begorrah! Saddam, I will call you back!”

Called back in a jiffy,  he shouted at Saddam

“War’s still on, we gotten six more arms!

Clearly sloshed, he rattled on and on

“Conor,  Sean and Liam, our new born!”

The Butcher tried hard not to laugh

“Since your call,  we grew big & tough!

Added a dozen Sikorskies just for fun

Once the war starts, you will be done!

This time Paddy thought long and hard

Calling  back only after a game of darts

“Saddam , Saddam, we have strategized

The last of our worry is your army size.

Saddam spoke calmly into his phone

“Oh, I hope this won’t rattle your bone

We started a solder-get-soldier scheme 

Now I have two million men in my team!

Paddy huddled with his men

Including tiny newborn Liam

They decided to take a vote

Paddy furiously taking notes

“Saddam, Saddam, a decision was made,

The war’s postponed to a far off date!”

Saddam the Butcher started to laugh

“You Irish  are scared so don’t bluff!”

  

The phone went silent for a minute or two

Then 7 Irish VOICES spoke, as if on cue

“OH, NO! WE AIN’T SCARED OF YOU

WE JUST CAN’T FIGURE OUT

JUST HOW TO GO ABOUT

HOUSING AND FEEDING

TWO MILLION IRAQI POWS!

PostScript:

Long live Paddy the Irish!

(10): DEAD OR ALIVE, POLITICIANS LIE!

A group of politicians went on a tour

A trip to enlighten, and a trip to learn

About the way farmers live their lives

And of course, how much do they earn!

A useful trip, so said the man in the street,

The taxpayers’ money will be well spent

Having more dialogues with our farmers

Will lift their spirits and the Nation’s brand

“The Nation’s brand is so very important

It creates new markets for our produce”

So said an Honorable Member of the House

Well dressed, well-fed, during the interview

But politicians never learn to stop

When they are still way ahead

They would just go on and on

Not giving their mouths a break

So the Honorable Member then continued

“And whilst we are there we might as well

Think of ways to tax the farmers more

And our national coffer’s sure to  swell!”

And so the trip finally started as planned

With 34 Members, both women and men

On a super luxurious bus, they toured the land

Things went well till the driver hit a sharp bend

The bus turned turtle, the politicians panicked

Not much  medical help, with  one tiny clinic

The sole doctor there gave the farmers a wink

The farmers replied “Make it splendid and quick!”

And the splendid job was quickly done

The farmers buried all the thirty-four

After the doc declared them very dead
And lamented “If only there were more!”

A little while later, the police arrived

And all the farmers gathered around

With the good doctor in attendance

The inspector then sat them down!

  

He questioned the doc and the farmers too

“Thirty four,  dead and buried”  so he mocked

“You mean to say all died there and then?

The inspector appeared to be still in shock!

The farmers grinned at him, with nary a blink

The doc hummed happily but he didn’t  sing

Then all exclaimed together loud and clear

Pausing in unison to breathe and to think

“A few did protest and loudly they cried

“We are not dead; we are still  alive!”

“But we continued burying them 

“AS WE ALL KNOW HOW POLITICIANS LIE!”

(9): DEMENTIA IS FUN, IF YOU DON’T HAVE IT!

Three elderly spinsters lived under one roof

The sisters lived happily with their dog Woof

They were known to be both gracious and kind

But doubts abound if they were of sound mind!

Rose Mae the eldest, a sprightly ninety-two

In the pink of health, but for bouts of  flu

 Memory’s failing, but please tell her not

She’s at that age, so let’s leave it to God

Bessie Sue, at eighty-nine, was the middle child

Coughs and colds were frequent but usually mild

She was the most forgetful of the sisters three

Invites guests for dinner but only prepared tea!

Ann Mary at eighty-two, the baby of the family

Sprightly and alert, she  thinks she’s still sixty!

She was the brains and had the looks to match

Playing tricks and plotting pranks, just like Dad!

One Sunday morning, Sue May needed a bath

Oh! When has climbing stairs become so tough?

She stared at the bathtub as she started to undress

In her state of confusion, she shouted out to Bess

“Was I getting into, or getting out of my bath?

Do come and check on me, it is getting rough!”

With a sigh, Bess dashed up the flight of stairs

She was up halfway, and stopped right there

She was all puzzled  as she tried hard to think

Shouted out to Ann, which ended in a scream

“Ann, was I going up, or was I coming down?”

Ann looked at up with a sigh and then a frown

“Oh, am I glad  my memory is still intact

Knock on wood! Oh! Who took my hat?

Someone’s at the door,  could be my date

Don’t wait up, I gonna be out very late!”

(8):  JESUS LOVES YOU BUT LOVES GOLF TOO............

It was a quiet day up in Heavens

When things were going slow

And during a much need respite

Jesus saw  the planet’s glow

Looking at the Earth, Jesus reminisced

He had never left Earth, not spiritually,

Physically, they parted ways since AD

Time to visit, just for golf and  tea!

So there He was,  on Pebble Beach

Moses’ caddying, how could He miss?

Have played well the whole back nine

Tee off at the tenth, things will be fine

Then it caught Lord Jesus’ eyes

A plaque with words engraved

“Tiger Woods:  HOLE-IN-ONE”

Time to watch this space!

Jesus swung His best swing yet

And that was when things got wet

The ball headed for the water trap

Now it lays, down at the very depth

Moses the caddy rushed to the scene

Know your bible? What could be seen?

The water parted as the Red Sea did

Just for Moses in his hour of need

So Moses returned with the ball

But Jesus sent it right back in

“The ball has an affinity for water”
 Moses hummed and sing!

The water parted yet again

Moses walked in, no complain

But he pleaded in a hushed tone

“Jesus, You are on Your own!”

Jesus Christ stepped up His game

Oh, No! He is not doing it for fame

But he must beat this Tiger Wood

Teach him to behave and be good!

So Jesus stepped up to the tee

Posturing his swing so tenderly

He hit the ball with all His might

As if in prayers, eyes closed tight

 His eyes then opened, one by one

Nothing! Hey the ball is gone!

The ball was nowhere to be seen

But Moses' laughing gave a hint!

So Jesus walked towards the trap

How will he get the golf ball back?

But if you know your Bible

You should know what's next!

For only He  walks on water

For only He performs miracle 

Golfers started popping by

None believed their own eyes!

Shouted they did, and in unison

"He thinks He is Jesus Christ?

And then Moses, by now composed

Retorted  with nary a dry eye!

He is indeed Jesus Christ

Behold!Jesus is ALIVE!

You must have misunderstood

He thinks He is Tiger Woods!

(7): WHO SAVED BILL CLINTON?

Bill Clinton was out for a jog,

Without security, without dog

Pondering affairs of the State

And of course his dinner date

HE smiled, reminded of Monica,

As he started to cross Bethesda

A truck was hurtling at top speed

This is the day his Maker he meets!

Feet glued to the road, Bill prayed

“Save me, God! Or I will be dead!”

As if He heard and so He saved

President Clinton from his fate!

Suddenly, there were 3 big boys

Skateboarding to the real McCoy

With only one thing on their minds

Reaching the President’s behind!

They jumped and they kicked in unison

And the Presidential Rear turned crimson

They rolled safely out of harm’s way

Bill was shaken but managed to say:

 “Young men, by Presidential decree,

A wish is granted; what shall it be?

Anything you wish, anything you want

I am the President; and I owe you one!

“An admission to West Point?” One boy asked

That was granted in a jiffy, such a simple task!

Another chose The Academy, Colorado Spring

The President declared “BOY, YOU ARE IN!”

The third boy looked sad and said nervously

“Bury me at the Arlington National Cemetery!”

The President then asked in a hushed voice!

“Oh my God! I am so sad you made this choice!”

I may not be sick, but I will soon be dead

A life I have saved, but death’s my fate

When dad finds out I saved your life

My head will gonna be blown sky-high!

(6): GOLFING WITH THE RABBI...


The Chief Rabbi of Israel

He sent out an invite

To the Pope at the Vatican

A man with insight

It was a challenge in disguise

As an invite to “Golf for Hope”

“Please send your best Cardinal

To  represent the Pope!”

The Cardinals were summoned

But none were any good

The Church will be embarrassed

And that changed the mood

Jack Nicklaus’ name was mentioned

A great golfer, a good Catholic too

“Let us make him a Cardinal

As representative to the Jews!”

So Cardinal Nicklaus was then sent

By the Church he now represents

Off he goes to that Golf for Hope

Now  a Cardinal, he is their man!

The new Cardinal soon came back

To report on the outcome of the match

 He strode in like a champion would

A loser wouldn’t have walk like that!

“My drive was perfect, I hit a hole-in-one!

My slice was magic, my putt really good!

But I am sorry to say that I finally lost,

To that RABBI TIGER WOODS !"

(5): OH! TO BE A GOOD PRESIDENT OF THE USA!

The polls’ gone crazy

They are going south

The people are angry

It’s going to be  rough!

He pondered and he pondered

Till his heart missed a beat

Could both Houses of Congress

Vote for him to be impeached!

So Clinton decided to take a walk

Without security details

Deep in thoughts, he soon arrived

At the Jefferson’s Memorial

The late President, Tom Jefferson

Then gave him some advice

“To be a President of distinction

You must tell no lie!”

Bill was so embarrassed

He scooted, no, he fled!

To yet another President

Who was just as mad!

For at the Washington Monument

It was  old George who said to him

“Raise no taxes, raise no taxes

Then you might be redeemed”

Bill ran out  into the streets,

In the midst of a summer gale

And of all places, he ended up at

The revered  Lincoln’s Memorial

He pleaded with Honest Abe

“Please, teach me to set free

The good people of the USA

From all of their miseries!

President Lincoln looked at Bill

First in disgust, then  dismay

“For you to free the good people

Please  go and watch a play!”

(4): BILL CLINTON IN HEAVEN (AGAIN?)

On a chosen day in 2050

A month before Bill’s demise

Sent off in a State Funeral

From her Presidential Archives

She soon reached Heaven

As she was so destined

Debating with St. Peter

As she sipped her wine!

Peter said he was busy

And sent her off to wait

At the Hall of Morality

While he ponders her fate

The Hall had endless walls

“Infinity”  came to mind

Clocks of all shapes and sizes

Hanging side by side!

Hilary was so amused

As the clocks continued to tick

Some would spurt now and then

By exactly fifteen minutes

  

Still gazing at the clocks

She asked a passing man

“Those sudden movements

Of the clocks’ long hands…..”

Before she could continue

Peter the Saint  got back

“Allow me to answer, Hilary

Will reply to you with tact!”

“One clock for each man

Who is still on Earth

A spurt of his clock

Means he’s chasing skirts!”

The more indiscretions

The faster the spurts

So I will tell you, Hilary

Your Bill has hit pay dirt!”

The number of spurts  earned

For his clock to move so fast

God needed an electric fan

Only in Bill’s clock He Trusts!

(3): BILL CLINTON IN HEAVEN?

Fast forward to 2050

And George W. Bush was dead

Waited patiently for St. Peter

East of the Pearly Gates

Peter beckoned to the old boy

“Come this way, my pal!”

You will know soon enough

Will it be Heaven or Hell!

St. Peter gave him a piece of chalk

And  George was told  to  mark

On each rung of the tall ladder

For each indiscretion of his past!

George was quickly up to three

As he recalled  his college dates

But on four he had to really think

As that might decide his fate

As he was thinking, he heard a cough

The sound of which he knew

He looked up and saw Bill Clinton

Must be in the wrong queue!

Typical of George, he  asked Bill

“What is wrong with you?

Shouldn’t you be climbing up?

That's where you are due!”

Bill smiled and then said

“No time for small talks.

My past was so colorful

I need some more chalks!”

(2): THE REPUBLICAN PUPPIES!

Melania Trump was up with the sun

For her usual morning jog

The paparazzi will be in attendance

The news will be on blogs

They soon reached Central Park

Where folks milled around

And Melania heard a tiny bark

Oh, whither that sound?

The sound came from under a tree

And so they went to check

They saw a boy with some puppies

In hues of grey and  black!

“What beautiful pups!” she exclaimed

“Adorable ! I must say!”

“They are Republicans” the boy added

“Hope they make your day!”

Melania couldn’t believe her ears

And just can’t wait to convey

To the Presidential candidate of the GOP

News to keep gloom at bay!

  

So Donald went a jogging too

About a  week from then

And he was soon at Central Park

With Paparazzi at hand!

“What beautiful pups!” he gushes

“Cutest I have seen!”

“They are Democrats!” said the boy

Wearing a wicked grin!

Donald  reeled back,  looking shocked

Retorted, nevertheless

“But last week they were Republicans

That was what you said!”

With smiles and grins a plenty

He glared at Donald’s  men!

“Yes sir, they were” the boy replied

“But now their eyes are opened!!”

(1): THE GENIE AND THE PRINCE!

Not long ago, there was a Prince
Who went by the name "Charles"

He always look very depressed
You could hardly see him smile

He had a wife named Diana

Who was as beautiful as can be

He blamed her for his depression
But her friends didn't agree

Off he went to Buckingham Palace

To escape from his domestic woes
But the Queen had gone to the races

And Charles didn't know where to go!

He then decided to take a walk

To get some peace of mind

He took along his mum’s corgis

To help him to unwind

With the six corgis each on a leash

He walked, deep in thoughts

He didn’t know when he'd let go

Of the leashes, oh my God!

But it was already way too late

The six corgis were far ahead

If anything happens to them

The Prince will be dead!

The corgis ran out through the gates

Right on the path of a giant truck
Toot! Toot! And they were flattened

Charles, you are a dead duck!

The man didn’t know what to do

And he didn’t know what to say

He kicked away a coca cola can

And promised to make Diana pay!

Surprise, surprise, a genie appeared!

As genies do in those fairy tales

The Prince reeled in disbelief

Am I dreaming or is this real?

The genie said out loud to him

“Sir, I grant you but one wish

Think of anything you  want

Think of anything you  need!

"What I want is to save myself
From this shit I  landed in!"

Pleading in his saddest voice
"Do save me from the Queen!"

He took the genie to see the dogs

And pointed to their sad remains

"Please bring the corgis back to life

Genie, spare me from the pain!"

The genie looked at the grisly scene

Of blood, furs and pieces of bones

“They used to be your mum’s corgis?”

He asked in a very serious tone.

“There are many things I can do

And many things that I have done

But this task is just impossible

You better go on the run!”

The genie added with a smile

“But your one wish is still intact,

What will it be, my royal master

How about a diamond studded hat?

Charles then got a brainwave

And broke into that rare smile

“I know what I can wish for!

Ha! I knew I ain’t that dull!

You know Camilla Parker Bowles?

She is my woman on the side

Make her as beautiful as Diana

And I will say you are bright!”

The genie’s face turned very green

And he went into a state of shock

Then shaking his head very sadly,

He said “Let’s get back to the dogs!”